My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé Episode 3 Recap: This Hot-Tub Jet is Treating Me Like A Prom Date.
Now it’s time to rejoin our happy couple, Steve and Randi, as they prepare to join their hearts and lives together in the holy bonds of matrimony. On TV. As part of a hoax. Which is really a practical joke on one of the participants. Ah yes, more wholesome entertainment from the folks at Fox. Bumpkin and I really lucked out when none of the other FORT writers would agree to cover this show, so thanks guys. And to our fantastic live show thread regulars, you rule!
Bumpkin: And if you haven’t watched the show, I’d encourage you to start. This week’s episode was simply hilarious. I can’t recall laughing this much at a reality show since Rob Campos said, “Your dress matches the rug.”
Randi has just convinced her best friend Anna to be her maid of honor and it’s time for Anna to meet Randi’s dashing new fiancé. Anna looks savvy to the ways of reality TV dating shows and is expecting Ryan Sutter or at the very least slimey-yet-not-without-his-charms Russ from The Bachelorette, when in walks Steve.
Bumpkin: I think Anna was expecting Randi to shout “Smile, you’re on Candid Camera” at any moment. But it never came.
Steve shakes hands with Anna very sweetly. She eyes him suspiciously. He wasn’t what Anna was expecting. Steve: “Randi says I’m a lot different from the other guys she’s brought along.” Anna remarks very diplomatically that she’s excited to find out how those two hooked up. Randi is not quite as charitable as she reminds herself of the scam and the money and says: “I have to not roll my eyes.” Yes, I know, it’s darn tough to show common courtesy to a fellow human being, but maybe half a million dollars will be incentive enough for Randi.
Bumpkin: Maybe it will be enough to purchase acting lessons. Even while Randi smiles sweetly, you can tell she really wants to wring Steve’s neck.
Everybody was Fondue Fighting – props to Unklescott for the section title
Dinner is served and Steve dives into the fondue and declares it toxic sewage. Steve nearly burns Anna with a shrimp and uses a high squeaky voice reminiscent of Laverne and Shirley’s Squiggy to make it talk, or rather yelp in terror as it’s being put into the boiling hot fondue pot. Steve asks Anna: “What do you think? Do you think Randi’s parents will like me?” Anna is paralyzed with fear. Fox leaps to a dramatic commercial break. Then Anna says: “Yeah, you’re so open.” Anna confesses, Steve seems ok, but I think when her parents meet Steve it will be a shock. Randi thinks she’s convinced Anna that the engagement is genuine.
Steve and Randi celebrate their “mission accomplished” and retire for the evening. They leap up the steps and the camera focuses on Randi’s rather rotund backside for a good long stretch. It must have been a significant focus, as I managed to watch the Superbowl Halftime Show and miss Janet’s nipple, but there was no mistaking that ass shot. JR, can you back me up here? I’m sure this didn’t escape your attention, buddy.
Bumpkin: JR misses nothing.
We watch Randi braid her hair into two French braids. I’m impressed, because I’ve had long hair most of my life and have never ever been able to braid my hair as well as she did. But back at Band Camp we used to sit around and braid each others hair real purty. What, you were expecting something different from my “Band Camp” phase? Please, I was not a flautist.
Yoga: Passage Way to Enlightenment, or Good Way to Pass Wind?
Randi asks Steve to do Yoga with her because she wants him to relax before meeting her parents. They dress in comfy clothes, the kind you can bend in, and meet outside on a mat. Steve acts like this all foreign to him. Ok, maybe he wasn’t really acting right there. Randi remarks that Steve is “large” and then he asks if his fat fold that he sees on his back is normal. Then Steve loads the fart cannon and in his next stretch he cuts The Fart Heard ‘Round The World. Just in case Randi hadn’t noticed it, he announces that he “totally cut one” and runs off clenching his butt-checks, in an attempt to drag his fart-scent away from the fair Randi. I think that means Yoga time is over. Steve didn’t even get to do the Downward Dog position, otherwise he could have tried to blame the fart on the dog.
Bumpkin: I have kids, and I’ve seen that particular squinchy-butted run before, LG. I think he needed a change of underwear! Randi was appalled. If she ever gets married ‘for real’ I wonder if she realizes that married men fart once the chase is off.
Shave and a Haircut: Two Bits, or a Two Bit Actor?
Randi drags Steve to a spa to get his hair cut and a mini-makeover. I think Steve’s hair was plenty spiffy before, but it looks even nicer after his more tightly cropped ‘do that still keeps some of his great curls on the top. Following a reality TV show trend this season, just like Troy on The Apprentice, Steve needs to brave the perils of the wax house of horror and endure a back waxing at a spa. Steve was a brave, brave man and didn’t do any crying and whining like Troy did when getting his legs waxed in yet another losing effort for the men’s team on The Apprentice, so at least he had nice smooth legs before making a fourth straight appearance in front of The Donald.
Bumpkin: It was troubling to see Randi’s glee at Steve’s over-acted screams of pain. Let’s add masochist to our Randi list.
Now time for a Pretty Woman moment, as Steve tries on multiple outfits as Randi rates his potential new looks. I can’t stand Julia Roberts and anything that reminds me of Pretty Woman is usually quite repulsive, especially the whole “become a whore to snag a millionaire” plotline. Somewhere at the website we have an entire thread dedicated to who else should have been cast in all of Julia’s various roles so that those movies would be bearable to watch. Ugh, who on earth thought she should be Tinkerbell? Sorry, back to Steve starring in his own episode of Extreme Makeover. He’s quite sharp for a big man when he struts out wearing a dark blue suit, to which he adds the classy comment that he can pick up a “whole new class of ‘hos” with his new look. Yeah, watch out everyone, Steve is a real lady killer on the prowl.
Meet the Parents
Claudia meets them back at the mansion and announces that tonight they need to convince their families to come visit them. They sit down next to some retro-looking phone that looks like an old rotary phone but is really a touchtone. They couldn’t possibly have a working rotary phone on the set of this show, as my parents have the last working rotary phone on earth in their house.
Bumpkin: Make that two, LG. My parents have one, and I’m pretty sure they are still paying $4.99 a month rent to the phone company.
Steve calls his family to tell them the “good news” about his engagement, and we see in captions that they are not really Steve’s family, as they are all actors yet all unknown enough that they won’t be recognized. No, Steve isn’t a Baldwin brother, they are actually unrelated actors who just happen to be unknown to the general public. They are all excited to meet her, and his dad/actor says “does she actually like you?”
Bumpkin: I really like the actors playing Steve’s family. And notice their scripted reaction was more ‘normal’ and level than that of Randi’s family.
Randi then calls her parents to share the good news. Bruce and Catherine are surprised to hear about the engagement and seem very reluctant to go out to California to meet her fiancé. Randi’s two brothers and her sister Brandi all make some comment to the camera that scream between the lines that they aren’t thrilled to be getting dragged onto some reality TV show that appears to be all about Randi. I can almost picture Brandi giving us her very best Jan Brady: “Randi, Randi, Randi!”
Now that the phone calls are over, there is a lull in the action while Randi and Steve wait to see which family is arriving first. Rather than let Randi chill the next day Steve decides to “revert to Meathead” and turn up the obnoxious level. He start out with what could be perceived as a nice gesture and brings her breakfast in bed, and then he dumps food all over her and the bed. Yes, the very bed where “Randi gets randy.” His plan was successful because she even said “oh great, this guy again.” I don’t know about you, Bumpkin, but I’ve never had breakfast in bed. Well, unless the rice cake that I’m eating while typing this recap at 1 am in what I’m going to count for “breakfast.” I think that is something I can live without if it always involves a tomato juice shower and scrambled eggs on my slippers.
Ten Tips for Highly Successful Williamses
Last week Randi had a list of things that Steve “needs to know” to get along with her family. Turnabout is fairplay, but not like that dumbass Johnny Fairplay from Survivor: Pearl Island, more like an ironic turn of events. Now Steve has a list for Randi of things:
Play with my hair
Touch me at least 3 times around my family
Tell a dirty joke
If my family wants to hot-tub, you gotta come
Bumpkin: I loved it that Steve had a list for Randi to follow! How appropriate. And might we add to that, “Don’t be so freaking uptight.” And “stop treating me like a five-year old.”
Randi seems horrified at the prospect, but I think this all seems quite reasonable. Heck, I want to play with his hair myself, but I like playing with guys hair. Steve says, she needs more of a sense of humor about this, because “For a quarter of a million dollars, I would make out with a rabid monkey.” Just make sure they promise to give you rabies shots if you sign on for that role, Stevo.
In less than a hour, they will meet one of their families, but they don’t know which one. Randi is worried because Steve is “regressing” and acting more and more obnoxious as they wait for the mystery family to arrive. Steve’s “family” shows up and Randi is actually impressed, thinks that they are awesome. Just wait until they get inside, Randi dear.
Steve’s family is acting very normal and fun, they get along with Randi, but Steve is an ox in a china shop. I think he broke three glasses and a vase in a short period of time. Randi thinks that Steve’s “Mom” really does like her and really wants Steve to marry her, and is worried that she’ll be heartbroken to find out that it is a hoax.
The Apple Didn’t Fall Far From the Tree
Little did Randi know that they were just luring her in to turn it on big-time. Steve’s “Sister” Kristin offers to cut the crusts off the bread, the same sister whom Steve told Randi chased him down the street with a butcher knife. Kristen offered to cut the crusts off, but Mom said no, and sent her to do something safe. Well, something other than chasing someone down the street with a butcher’s knife, anyway.
“Mom” asked Randi if she’s going to breastfeed and then tells her that she breastfed Steve until he was 5, when he started kindergarten, but not the sister because she couldn’t latch on. They are both totally just checking her out for parenting potential and wondering if she would “try vaginal birth” as she has rather narrow hips.
Bumpkin: Obviously “Mom” is from the South, LG. These are standard meet-the-fiance’ questions. Well, all except for Mom asking about the size of her nipples.
Well let me tell you, I got the same “you could make a suitable vehicle for my grandchildren” treatment from my former mother-in-law the first night that I met her. Randi, I’m feeling for you, and hoax wedding or not, here’s my advice for anyone dating such a Momma’s Boy that he let’s his mother measure his fiancée’s pelvis upon the first meeting: “Run, Randi, Run!” You don’t need any cheesy Kenny Loggins movie soundtrack music to know that Randi has entered the Danger Zone. Pull out, Mav! The Williams are trying to make her one of them.
Time for a family treat. Dinner is served, and it’s pure Minnesota plain white hot-dishes. No color, no taste, no big deal. Then they have a burping contest and Randi even joins in, much to my surprise. You know, I’m not convinced these folks are actors, as whose family doesn’t burp grace before dinner and thanks afterwards?
Bumpkin: Exactly, LG. Afterall, a burp is just giving thanks for a great meal.
Hot Tub Party
The whole family declares it’s hot tub time, because just like James Brown, they LOVE a good hot tub. They ask Steve when he got the hair taken off his back. Mom brings up the Kama Sutra and Steve is going to borrow the book to study up on intimate love-making positions prior to the honeymoon. Yes ladies, like Sting and The Barenaked Ladies, Steve is tantric. And you thought that was the first time he did Yoga earlier this episode.
Crazy sister Kristy states blankly, and for no apparent reason that “whales commit suicide” before doing her famous “floating face down in the hot tub” trick, much to Randi’s horror and the family’s amusement. William Shatner is having flashback watching this part, so quick, Bill, flip to a Priceline commercial or some T.J. Hooker repeats to distract yourself.
Dad has been mostly quiet, but now he declares that he doesn’t usually wear clothes in a hot tub with the family. Yup, they are a naked family.
Bumpkin: As if Mom offering to loan her son the Kama Sutra and Tantric Sex books didn’t tip Randi off.
The Dad takes off his swim trunks, Randi is horrified. Then Dad comes up with the line of the episode: “I’ve got one jet that’s treating me like a prom date.” Hot Tubbing will never be the same again. I hope somebody cleaned out that tub before the new owners took possession of the mansion. Oh wait, Michael Jackson is renting this house now. Suddenly hot tub hi-jinx doesn’t seem so bad.
Bumpkin: I have these visions of Randi scrubbing down with Clorox and a loofah after the hottub incident. And burning her bathing suit. “Dad’s” line was priceless.
The Williams leave after dinner, and the next morning we see Randi and Steve have an intimate breakfast interspliced with scenes of Randi’s family heading to California.
Back in Littleton, Colorado:
Patrick, older brother: “I can’t believe she’s really in love with him.”
Bobby, younger brother: “if Randi says she’s in love, then I’m going to have to like him.”
Brandi, Randi’s sister: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.
Bumpkin: I’m thinking Randi’s dad is former military. He just has that manner about him. And Randi’s mom! Yes, JR., this is what Randi will look like in 25 more years. And some lucky chap will be investing a fortune in Mary Kay cosmetic products.
They all pile into the SUV and head to California. It was reminiscent to the beginning of the Beverly Hillbillies where the family packs up and heads to Beverly. Only they don’t have a toilet strapped to the roof and they’re actually driving to the airport to take a plane, rather than driving there. On the way, they talk about their set of core values and what a problem it would be if this guy doesn’t meet up to them. Oh, foreshadowing, my old friend. I see you have joined us once again. We hope you join us next week as well.
Next week: Steve meets Randi’s family. Randi’s family meets Steve’s family. And the wedding is in three days. If you have any questions or comments for the writers, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org m or email@example.com and we’ll see you next week.