This week we catch up once again with America’s favorite couple, those crazy in love kids, Randi and Steve. And, as always, Bumpkin and LG are here to catch you up on anything you may have missed.
LG: I don’t know how they could have missed anything, Bump, with the great ratings the premier got with an American Idol lead-in last week, a replay last Thursday, thousands of ads showing all of the highlights, not to mention our incredibly popular recaps. Let’s face it, this show isn’t rocket science. My three year old has it figured out, as she calls this the “Randi, Randi, Randi Show” and calls Steve “Silly Underwear Dancing Guy.”
As a new day dawns on the happy couple, Randi resolves to be more optimistic and vows to tell Steve “he’s going to have to grow up and act like a man.” Steve, still laughing at his performance from the night before, vows to calm Randi’s nerves and gain her confidence, before again hitting her with his obnoxious behavior. It’s all in the script.
At brunch, he apologizes for letting things go too far. And whatever. Steve spies a glass of champagne on the table. Talking with his mouth full requires the use of subtitles, “I can’t believe they put champagne on the table after last night” Like a recovering alcoholic, he vows he won’t touch it. Well, maybe just a little sip. Soon enough, he downs the glass.
LG: Ah yes, a little hair of the dog. And I loved the subtitles. Is he speaking another language? Not unless you’d consider a mouthful of French Toast to be a foreign dialect.
Hostess Claudia arrives to announce the happy couple will spend the morning with Jill, a wedding planner, choosing cakes, flowers and wine for the reception. It is up to Steve and Randi to keep up the ruse and make decisions as a team.
Steve sizes up the elaborate array of hors d'oeuvres, main courses, wine and cakes as elements of a comedic skit to follow. He stuffs (what he later confessed was excellent) sushi in his mouth whole then spits it out in his napkin, with very vocal expressions of disgust. “That’s gross!” he proclaims before downing a glass of wine to rinse it out.
LG: I love how Steve apologized to the chef in his camera confessional, stating that the fish was excellent and how it pained him to spit it out. I love ya, Steve, but I’m guessing you don’t encounter too many foods that you don’t like.
Randi is mortified. Not only by Steve’s antics but by his frequent touches to her arm and use of the word ‘honey’ and all its variations. Meanwhile Steve is laughing knowing that Randi is helpless to fend off his advances. LG, I hate being “hun-ned” don’t you?
LG: Sure do, especially when it is by some creepy cling-on blind date set-up who seems intent on making others aware that we’re together when really I’m secretly sending ESP messages to my friends to call my cell phone ASAP so I can find a speedy exit. Um, theoretically of course, as that has never happened to me.
Randi is desperately fuming. Her face maintains a cool demeanor, but her eyes give her away, as if she is trying to telegraph to the chef and caterer, “This is all a joke. Really. You don’t think someone like me would marry someone like him, do you?” Well. Actually what she said was, “He is just a huge nightmare.”
The final straw came as Steve sampled wedding cake. There were a lot of cakes. And Steve sampled them all. Predictably, Steve shoved cake in Randi’s face, which in her words, “pissed me off.”
LG: I dunno. I’m thinking how generations of women have tolerated the cake shoving thing (which I personally hate, too) with more grace than Randi did. Better during the sampling than during the actual wedding dinner I guess. Besides, if she gets some shoved far enough up her nose, Steve can fish it out with his tongue later during the honeymoon.
Time for wine tasting. Steve gargles a ‘gentle merlot’ with zeal, then asks for a refill. When offered a wine named after the Greek god of love Eros, the caterers encouraged them a kiss was necessary for good luck. Because the drama just wasn’t there, the producers show us the slow motion version of the peck Steve planted on Randi. Randi looked like she wanted to clean her palate as well.
LG: Or clean his clock. It’s a little hard to say which feat of cleaning had the stronger pull at that moment.
I Feel Pretty And Witty And Bright
Next stop, formal wear. Jill takes the pair to a bridal shop where Randi tries on an array of simply beautiful wedding gowns. Meanwhile Steve shouts to her continuously from his dressing room where he is trying on tuxes. “How you doin’ sweetheart? I’m looking good! Too fat for the cumber bund, though.” Or “I’ve got a girl in my dressing room with me. Heather, stop it!” And all the while he laughs his maniacal laugh, which seems to have the effect of shredding Randi’s last nerve.
In confessional, Randi admits she is exhausted. “I had no idea we’d be pulling this prank on real people.”
LG: This bit of absurdity is probably a good place to define ‘real people’ – like caterers, wedding planners and formal wear salespersons. Not the apparently ‘unreal people’ that Randi had already been planning to fool, like her own family and friends.
By now I’m wondering which of the two is really the obnoxious one reflected in the show’s title. Randi is certain that Steve is developing a crush on her. (Of course, honey, any man would.) And she suddenly realizes she wants to plan a wedding with someone she loves.
LG: Which leaves us once again wondering what show Randi thinks she signed on for. Maybe she thought this was “You Can Be the Next Trista and Have an All Pink Wedding On the Network” but silly Randi, this is Fox.
In a few short days, Steve has learned to read Randi like a book. “I think she’s really concerned my character is going to fall for her. So of course, that’s the road we’re going down.”
Arby’s Oven Mitt says: “When Will This Ever End?!?!?!?!?!”
Claudia enters the bridal shop, apparently accompanied by an instrumental quartet. She proclaims this a ‘pivotal moment’ as they see one another in gown and tux for the first time. “To give you an idea what it’s going to be like, share your first dance.”
As they dance and look into one another’s eyes, Randi looks like she wants to run. Steve saw it differently, “It was the perfect moment. The stage was set perfectly for what we planned next.”
As his eyes well with tears, he asks the quartet to stop. “This is really … “ *sniff* and runs out of the dressing room, asking the cameramen to turn off their recorders.
LG: I don’t think Randi can act her way out of a wet paper bag, because she didn’t seem to even give a shit that her supposed “fiancé” was so emotionally overcome that he had to leave the building. Hell, Pamela Anderson showed more depth of character in Barb Wire than Randi’s “performance” for the formal wear staff and musicians. I guess she’s a natural actor and thinks she can pull it off for her family without having to practice. Or maybe she’s just cold. What do you think, Bumpkin?
Oh, I think Randi had pity for him. Certainly a cretin like Steve must have fallen in love with her. And now he’s mourning for what he knows he can never have. Isn’t that right, chica? Randi returns to her dressing room and cites a classic reality TV line. “I don’t know. It’s getting too real.”
Meanwhile, Steve is on the sidewalk outside laughing. “This is a very interesting job. I just hope she’ll forgive me when it’s all done.” Not likely, Steve, but we will.
How Do I Hate You? Wait. I Have A List.
The next morning, Randi found a note Steve had slipped under her door which asked her to meet him by the pavilion. They meet, each twirling large umbrellas in a light drizzle. Steve begins with an apology. Randi says she feels overwhelmed by the charade and that the way Steve looks at her makes her uncomfortable.
To Randi’s imminent relief, Steve says, “It’s not like I like you. You’re not my type. I like Asian chicks myself.”
LG: Now before all the hot young Asian women reading this recap flood our e-mailboxes with requests for how they can contact Steve, I’d like to point out that in “real life” Steve the actor is actually married. I know that will come as quite a disappointment to many, mostly Snowflakegirl. So sorry.
As they seem to work out the conflict well, Randi announces she has a list. A list of all the things that bother her about Steve:
“Calling me hon. Touching me. Kissing me.”
“We’ve got to kiss,” protests Steve.
“That’s not me. This won’t fly with my parents,” she countered.
LG, are you keeping track here? Uptight, anal retentive and … dare we say frigid?
LG: Colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra in January, but let’s hear the ice queen out.
But no, what is that I hear? Why it is Randi, assuring Steve that she’s really and truly a lot of fun. She can be silly. No. She’s not uptight at all.
Steve buys off on the plan and they agree to be partners in crime. Which lasts till lunchtime when Steve makes paper Madonna boobs out of a napkin. There’s something you won’t find in any of Martha Stewart’s how-to books.
LG: Maybe it will be in some of Martha’s new line of self-help books, from the orange jumpsuit collection. You know: “How to make your jail cell more homey and cheery” and “Home gardening for the weeds that are growing in the cracks in the asphalt on the basketball court in the prison work out grounds.”
She’s a Yoga Teacher. She’s Kind of Bendy
Claudia arrives to drop the next bomb on Randi. Today the pair will meet with a sex therapist, Debra Mandel, PhD. “What better way to have you guys connect than to confront issues of intimacy?” She encourages them to be honest and open and to use their imagination.
Randi looks pale. Doesn’t she look pale to you, LG?
LG: Pale, heck, she’s darn near translucent, but ice usually is mostly opaque.
When Dr. Mandel asks about their idea of a most romantic evening, Steve responds with a discussion of camping. Getting away from it all. Far enough so no-one can hear you be ‘animal-like.’
Randi primly announces that she is a Catholic school teacher. Well, not anymore, Randi. And since you left the kids mid-year to participate in this show, you may not be as committed to the concept as one might hope.
The rest of the session had Steve divulging that Randi is also a yoga teacher and thus, “kinda bendy,” that because of his weight he sometimes gets winded during sex, and as for fantasies, the Catholic School girl one had come up.
All of which had the effect of making Randi try to find enough space in the armchair to slip out of sight. The therapist picked up on this, saying, “Steve’s energy may, at times, be assaultive to her.”
Then Steve confesses, “Sometimes I come home from work, I fell like I’d just like to have some(thing pixilated).” Reflexively, Randi’s mouth dropped open. Then she thought the better of it.
The therapist again rides to the rescue, suggesting to Steve, “Nine times out of ten if you package that correctly, you can get your partner to comply.” See fellas, it’s just not “packaged correctly.” Now you know.
LG: He, he, the sex therapist said “package”, he he he. Sorry, I was channeling Beavis and Butthead for a minute there.
With friends like these ….
We’ll skip the drama of the long black limo dropping off a mysterious figure in black and tell you that Randi’s next task is to have dinner with her best friend, Anna. Within an hour, Randi must convince the person that knows her best that she has fallen in love and is engaged to be married. At the end of the hour, Steve will join them for dinner.
Randi begins passing out instruction, “Work on your manners. Don’t drink too much.”
At dinner, Randi seems to have pulled herself together as she more or less convincingly tells Anna about having fallen for someone on a dating show who is completely amazing, who stole her heart and yet, is not who Anna would picture her with.
LG: Anna is probably thinking of some “unlikely” romantic lead, perhaps like Ryan Sutter, whose “man-card” was revoked the first time he started spouting off cheesy poetry to Trista. Perhaps the first sight of Steve will inspire images of Quasimodo who stole the heart of Esmeralda despite being both a hunchback and French (the worse offense by far).
Next week: Anna meets Steve. Randi meets the in-laws then vows to whip Steve into shape before he meets her parents.
Until then, if you have a big, fat, obnoxious fiancé, we don’t want to hear about it. Profuse praise about the tag team recapping brilliance of LG. and Bumpkin may be sent to LurkingGirl@fansofrealitytv.co m or Bumpkin@fansofrealitytv.com. Or just drop us a note below.