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Thread: All of That Meant Absolutely Nothing: Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé Premier Recap

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    All of That Meant Absolutely Nothing: Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé Premier Recap

    All of That Meant Absolutely Nothing: Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé Premier Recap

    There is a new reality TV show on Fox that is pushing the limits of shockingly bad taste. Who will recap this show for the FORT? Why, Bumpkin and LG, of course. Any writing duo that would take on Joe Millionaire: An International Affair would be up to the challenge. Or maybe we just drew the short straw in the writer’s pool yet again. Come to think of it, I saw Fluff and Lobeck fiddling around with those straws right before we drew, not that I’m the suspicious type, mind you. No worries gang, we’re here for duration and thrilled that this is a 6-episode show.

    Everything is Just Dandy with Randi

    We meet Randi Coy who has been sequestered in a hotel for two and a half weeks. She’s riding in a limo, ready to find out what she’s gotten herself into. All she knows is that she going to be on a reality TV show. She’s walking down a long marble corridor. Women dressed in white are draping her with a bouquet, train, and veil as she walks down the hallway. The whole setting is rather creepy, but not as bad as Mr. Personality’s guys in masks at a formal ball creepy. They save that degree of icki-ness for shows hosted by Monica Lewinski. *shudder*

    Bumpkin: This scene had all the trappings of some bizarre Masonic rite. And then you had to go there with Lewinski.

    Who is our host tonight? Why it is former Anything for Love co-host, Claudia DeFalco. I would have preferred the other Anything for Love co-host, Mark L. Wahlberg, but then again, I have a weakness for men named Wahlberg. Reality TV host Mark L. Wahlberg, actor and former undies model Marky Mark (sans Funky Bunch) Wahlberg, heck, even former New Kid Donny Wahlberg is looking pretty damn hot when NBC decides it wants to air Boomtown.

    Bumpkin: What on earth are you talking about? And who is Mark Wahlberg? No, really.

    Oooops, sorry for that tangent, back to Big, Fat, Obnoxious Fiancé. Hostess Claudia is perky and articulate despite having too much collagen implanted into her lips. I think someone forgot to set the timer when she was baking at the electric beach as she’s downright orange. But no matter, she’s the host and like Lucille Ball when she tricks Dezi into letting her dance in the show, she has a “Lot of ‘splaining to Do.” She explains the “prank” on the Coy family to Randi.

    It must be really cold on the set, because we can see Claudia’s breath. Where did they film this, Alaska? Oh wait, Bachelorettes in Alaska has already been done. At first I thought she had just finished up a cigarette before filming this segment, but unless they cut for a butt break between every bit of dialogue, it must have been cold air. Claudia explains to Randi that she wins $250,000 for herself and an equal amount for her family IF everyone in her family attends her wedding and no-one objects at the ceremony.

    Bumpkin: You know, my mom walked out of my first wedding. In the middle of the ceremony. Said she had mascara in her eye. Whatever. But you know. It could happen, right? Not an objection, really, just a bad choice at Wal-Mart. Wow, I’d hate to think that would cost $250,000.

    Meet These Hunky Guys – Psyche!

    Ten handsome men introduce themselves to Randy, but we the viewing audience all know that it is pretty much just to tease her. Well, some of them are hot anyway. Not so sure what was going on with letting mullet boy in. Gotta love that “business in the front, party in the rear” hairstyle.

    Bumpkin: I spent a hilarious hour at work viewing MulletsGalore.com. I thought you had to be from the South to really appreciate the humor though.

    I dunno, Bump, maybe he was the alternate in case Steve didn’t work out. My favorite was the handsome young man named Cleveland, who is, of course, from Chicago.

    Claudia tells Randi to pick three with whom she could see herself pulling this prank on her family. Randi sizes up the merchandize and Jeff, Nick and Scott are culled from the herd. Claudia explains that they’ve decided to make things “a little more interesting” and that they already have her fake fiancé picked out for Randi. Then, in a moment of drama, a lumbering Steve comes crashing out of the heavy velvet curtain. It’s like he was a drunk guest on the old Johnny Carson Tonight Show who couldn’t find his way out of the huge curtain. Carnac says: “What is the latest low in reality TV from Fox Network?” Ed McMahon reads the envelope: “This oaf is your fiancé.” Steve trips over the remaining three hunky guys on his way to meet Randi. Claudia send the eye-candy packing.

    The Con is On

    Randi meets Steve and is actually quite polite to him, but her look was pure Average Joe Melena or Larissa, upon finding out she’s the butt of a reality TV show joke. Well, the “butt” of this show is probably Steve’s rear end, as the ads have been promising a dance in his tighty whiteys. Randi realizes that her “task” will be tougher convincing her family that they should go along with a wedding to Steve than with one of the hunky guys because “he isn’t the kind of guy that I would date.” Yeah, it would be pretty hard to convince your parents that you stopped being so superficial in just two weeks.

    Steve declares Randi “hot” and Randi diplomatically states that he has “very pretty eyes.” Then she licks her lips strangely seductively. Did anyone else see that? They kept showing her licking her chops like Steve was a tasty bucket of KFC chicken. Put that tongue away, missy, what are you trying to do to poor Steve here? Claudia fabricates that Steve has also been picked to try to “con” his family into participating in the fake wedding for a cash prize, and they were picked for their “superficial incompatibility.” That sounds convincing enough to Randi and she’s hooked for the concept of the show.

    Steve and Randi try to decide if they can “do” this con on their families without revealing the cash prize to anyone. Steve, with his white socks glaring from under his ill-fitting tux, proposed to Randi and tries to put the engagement ring on her wrong hand. Randi corrects him (the first of many, many times over the course of this show) and confesses that she is “freaking out.” That freak-out is a little premature as Steve has been nothing but nice to her to this point. Wait until he starts really kicking it into high gear. Emeril isn’t the only one who knows how to kick it up a notch, as Steve is a professional actor hired to make this hoax as uncomfortable as possible for Randi. Is he a skilled actor? For Steve’s sake, let’s hope that he is, because if not, then he’s a disgusting slob and a raging asshole in real life. But I’m getting ahead of the show, as Steve is yet to reveal his true plans for the lovely Randi.

    House of Dreams? Or the Amityville Horror?

    Claudia takes Randi and Steve on a tour of the luxurious house where they will be living most of the time until the fake marriage takes place in two weeks. It’s a beautiful mansion and Steve has had three days to check it out to prepare to “wow” her. He has scouted out fake dairy whip to snarf straight from the canister. It’s not like Fox to miss a trick, but were missing the strawberries, as I’m sure Steve could have suggested something along the line of 9 ½ weeks for his betrothed, much to her horror. Still in the kitchen, he notices an alcohol shortage and demands beer. He jumps on the bed in Randi’s room and declares: “This is where Randi gets randy!”

    Steve feels “kinda dirty” doing this prank on her, yet he still shouts out the windows “our house is better than your house” to no-one in particular, causing neighborhood dogs to bark in defense of their own posh doghouses. Speaking of doghouses, if this mansion had one, Randi would do her best to get Steve into it rather than down the hall from her bedroom. Randi is learning quickly that she’s going to have to “tone Steve down” in front of her family. Good luck with all that, Randi.

    Still on the tour of the house, Steve breaks a huge vase on purpose and starts swearing. Randi feels sorry for him because she thinks he’s a clumsy oaf. She declares him “not the total package.” Wait, they just met. She hasn’t even seen the underwear dance yet. She should reserve judgment until then.

    Steve asks for a “goodnight kiss” and she offers him her cheek. She asks the camera later: “who does that?” Well Randi, couples do, and you’re going to try to convince your family in a couple days that you are a couple. She declares that she’s not attracted to him, and that she’s doing it for the money only. She’s scared that she won’t be able to go through with the prank and will not win the money.

    Not Exactly Breakfast at Tiffany’s

    The next morning, Randi is having breakfast. Steve stuffs tissue up his nose to stop a fake nosebleed and then proceeds to eat a meat intensive breakfast, with champagne mimosas (by himself, because Randi doesn’t “drink” at breakfast). She’s already disgusted, so he starts belching.

    They start talking about their families. Randi tells Steve not to “be like that” around her family because they are “hard to please.” Randi advises that her sister would probably be the easiest for him to get along with, and Steve mentions that his sister chased him down the street with a knife. Charming.

    Claudia brings in the Wedding Invitations and states the obvious: Everyone who receives one will believe the wedding is real. Claudia tells them the wedding is in 11 days and the invitations are going out tomorrow. This little piece of “reality” hit home to Randi that she will need to go through with this hoax in front of all of her friends and family, and this will be the longest 2 weeks of her life. Well, until the show airs on Fox, and then Randi will have a very long 6 weeks, not to mention the last 4 weeks they’ve been promoting this series during the high ratings playoff football games. BUHAHAHAHAHA. Let this serve as a lesson for anyone who voluntarily goes on a reality TV show on the FOX network, as if Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire, Joe Millionaire, Temptation Island, Love Cruise and Paradise Hotel were not warning enough. Yeah, actually, they were enough warning. All sympathy I had for Randi has just vanished for now, but I’m sure it will resurface.

    Bumpkin: You go right ahead. Nope. No resurfacing here.

    Nothing is As Relaxing as a Day At The Spa

    Poor Randi, now she has to go on a Spa Date with Steve. Randi looked away from him the whole time. Naked Steve isn’t appealing to Randi. She can’t even face in his direction. His description of how the masseuse is “playing with his back fat” while he’s moaning and saying “think about baseball, think about baseball” is not really making Randi adore him all the more. I’ve had some good massages before Steve, but never that good.

    This whole date with Steve is totally grossing Randi out. It was like, totally, gag me with a spoon. Ok, not sure why I was channeling a 1980s Valley Girl there. Bumpkin, make it stop.

    Bumpkin: Like, the whole “think baseball” shtick had me, like, rolling. ValSpeak is apparently contagious. Seriously, Steve is playing this role to the hilt. I don’t know which I’m enjoying more. Steve’s antics or Randi’s utter and total dismay.

    Maybe thinking about baseball has a calming effect on men, but when I think about baseball, I picture Derek Jeter shooting me one of his uber-sexy tight smiles. That gets me a heck of a lot more frisky than any massage, but that’s just me. I’d have thought about professional wrestling if I wanted the mental cold shower, but that’s just me. Ok, now I’m picturing tasty Brett Favre in the Monday Morning Quarterback MasterCard commercials. Yummy. Damn, where was I with this recap. Oh shoot. *thinks about former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura in a thong and feather boa, EEEEK, that does the trick* Now, back to the recap.

    Back at the Spa, Steve calls her “honey” and suggests that she “see him naked” so that they can better convince people that they are a couple. He dances in his undies while singing, “come see the naked dance for Randi”. Randi hides in the changing room and refuses to come out. Foreshadowing Moment Number One – for those of you who are keeping score at home. With the pace this show is setting, there will be plenty more before we actually get to the big day. Randi says: “If he does something like that in front of my family, we’re screwed.”

    I’m wondering “did she peak from behind the curtain. I would have. Hell, I probably would have joined him in his silly dance. But then again, I’m a lot more fun than Randi. Randi confirms that she did not, as she said she didn’t see him “in his boxers” when in fact Steve’s naked dance was performed in his not so tighty whiteys. Boxers would have been an improvement in his attire. Fox wouldn’t want that. Some cute cartoon boxers could break the tension, and we’re all about building the tension for Randi.

    Back at the Hacienda

    Steve is trying a new approach in his psychological assault on Randi and wants her to think that he’s falling for her. What does a not-so-swift guy do to “get with” a lovely lady? Alcohol, and lots of it. Randi is not unfamiliar with this dating tactic. Steve bellows for “Randeeee” and asks if she will have one glass of wine with him or go out dancing with him. He’s acting all disappointed that she isn’t as “into” him as he’s acting to her. Steve is letting him catch her staring at her. She says “this is a business plan” as she’s trying to disabuse him of any ideas he has of the two of them. News bulletin for Randi. You are not on The Apprentice. Claudia DeFalco is not Donald Trump, despite having about the same amount of hair heaped on their respective heads.

    When it’s pretty apparent that she’s not going to play along, he abandons the “pity romance” angle and just switches into downright annoying. Randi thinks he has ADD. Lots of yelling and wild gestures, Steve remind me of my preschooler after one too many juice boxes and fruit roll-ups. She’s asking him to “tone it down.” She obviously not a mother, because that’s just an invitation for more noise, especially if the person making the request is on the phone. For some reason in preschool speak, “honey be quiet, I’m on the phone” means “stop whatever you’re doing to hang on Mom’s leg and shout at her until she gives up all hope of having a telephone conversation while the preschooler is awake.” Can I get an witness, Bumpkin?

    Bumpkin: Amen, sista. You know, I’m watching this thinking Randi’s dating life will take a nose-dive post-show as men are generally scared away by women intent on mothering them. Or teachers who talk to them like a teacher after 3 p.m.

    Steve is embracing his role of acting immature to make Randi’s job harder, so he acts drunk and tries to convince her to get in the “Celebrity Hot-tub” with him. Aha, we have concrete proof now that Randi’s not the brightest bulb. Steve has so far today told her that he frequents bars and he’s obviously not a thin person. It’s going to take more alcohol than he’s had time to consume to get Steve drunk. Hell, elephant tranquilizers couldn’t slow down Rush Limbaugh, there is no way one bottle of wine is going to take the swing out of Steve’s step. Randi’s quite annoyed. She’s in the middle of “an interview” for her fake marriage show documentary, and she confesses that she is not sure that she’s going to be able to pass Steve off as her fiancé. Randi says “I don’t want to be in this with Steve. I don’t know what to do.”

    Steve’s in the hot-tub, busting off parts of the plastic molding while floundering around for the camera. Steve’s obviously enjoying his “role” because all of this obnoxious action is well out of Randi’s sight, and she’s the only person around who isn’t in on the joke yet. I’m guessing that makes Steve a method actor, like Bobby DeNiro, willing to “live” the part of the big, fat, obnoxious fiancé for the duration of his role. Ok, maybe not, because his frequent confessionals reveal that he’s turning his role on and off, but now I’m picturing Steve starring in Scarface and I’m laughing hysterically. Steve as Raging Bull. Steve in The Godfather. Ok, let’s be realist, Steve in a remake of Animal House. What am I? {slaps cheeks full of food} A Zit! Randi may be too young to remember Animal House. I’d love to see Steve try that at the rehearsal dinner. Let’s hope they are serving something colorful.

    Upcoming Highlights – Assuming Fox Doesn’t Cancel This Show Immediately

    Next week join Bumpkin and me as we tune in to see:
    Steve and Randi meet the wedding planners.
    Steve steals a kiss.
    They meet a “real minister”.
    Randi’s best friend is the first “victim” to meet her big, fat, obnoxious fiancé.

    If you have any comments for the authors, our email addresses are: lurkinggirl@fansofrealitytv.co m and bumpkin@fansofrealitytv.com and yes, we do realize that this is an edited tv show, that Randi and/or anyone else appearing on the show is not the same in real life as they are on the show. That’s why we’re recapping a TV show and not real people’s lives. That’s way too much work and not as funny (for the most part anyway). Until next week, don’t agree to marry anyone until you’ve had a chance to approve of his underwear dancing skills.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

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    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    It could happen, right? Not an objection, really, just a bad choice at Wal-Mart. Wow, I’d hate to think that would cost $250,000.


    Yeah, it would be pretty hard to convince your parents that you stopped being so superficial in just two weeks.


    Is he a skilled actor? For Steve’s sake, let’s hope that he is, because if not, then he’s a disgusting slob and a raging asshole in real life. But I’m getting ahead of the show, as Steve is yet to reveal his true plans for the lovely Randi.


    Let this serve as a lesson for anyone who voluntarily goes on a reality TV show on the FOX network, as if Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire, Joe Millionaire, Temptation Island, Love Cruise and Paradise Hotel were not warning enough. Yeah, actually, they were enough warning. All sympathy I had for Randi has just vanished for now, but I’m sure it will resurface.


    and yes, we do realize that this is an edited tv show, that Randi and/or anyone else appearing on the show is not the same in real life as they are on the show. That’s why we’re recapping a TV show and not real people’s lives. That’s way too much work and not as funny (for the most part anyway)
    Fantastic recap ladies. I hope you will understand if I just read these and don't actually watch the show
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

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    FORT Newbie Kramerica's Avatar
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    Brutal!!

    I thought this show was awful...Here's why: CLAUDIA THE HOST can barely walk let alone talk! She gives hosts all over a bad wrap!!! Steve is funny. I'll give the show that. It just seemed really BORING. and the interviews looked like poop. bad lighting or something. also, a lot of the reaction sound bytes sounded like they were dubbed and put in other places...Like the byte where Steve says to the dad, "I haven't seen your daughter naked yet" that sounded fixed. I just wanted something more to happen. And the 1st ten minutes of the show wasted my time. "All of this for nothing??!!!" It looked like they wanted an "Average Joe" type of reaction when they brought in Steve, but they didn't come close. I'm an Average Joe Hawaii fan and that show is in another league compared to this T-ball show.
    Peace...i'm outta here!!

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    Yo Mama Mama Harold's Avatar
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    Another fantastic recap!

    I nearly wet myself laughing.

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    Starbucks is your friend Bill's Avatar
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    Fantasic recap ladies. I can see that the highlight of this show will be waiting to see what you both have to say about it.

    Oh, and some advice Bump. When working with LG, never never never dis the Mark. It is dangerous to do so
    "George Oscar Bluth II, aka GOB, featured magician in the best selling videotape, "Girls With Low Self Esteem" invites you to enter his world.
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    Thanks for the recap, Mommies!
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    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Nice recap ladies. This is going to be a fun 6 shows. My kind of sick humor.

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    Premium Member sheela's Avatar
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    This is an awesome recap. I love your style. And your snarkiness rocks . Thanks, LG and Bumpkin.

    The whole setting is rather creepy, but not as bad as Mr. Personality’s guys in masks at a formal ball creepy. They save that degree of icki-ness for shows hosted by Monica Lewinski. *shudder*

    Bumpkin: This scene had all the trappings of some bizarre Masonic rite. And then you had to go there with Lewinski.
    Bumpkin: It could happen, right? Not an objection, really, just a bad choice at Wal-Mart. Wow, I’d hate to think that would cost $250,000.
    Then, in a moment of drama, a lumbering Steve comes crashing out of the heavy velvet curtain. It’s like he was a drunk guest on the old Johnny Carson Tonight Show who couldn’t find his way out of the huge curtain. Carnac says: “What is the latest low in reality TV from Fox Network?” Ed McMahon reads the envelope: “This oaf is your fiancé.”

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    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Wonderful recap ladies Funnier than the show
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

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    JR.
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    Funny stuff girls. Sounds like I might have to start watching this mess.

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